How to annoy
by WolfletteMoon
Summary: After having her ability to be annoying questioned, a certain fanfic author and some friends go to Ireland with a set of lists to try and and annoy the Artemis Fowl characters. Based on my '10 ways to annoy' fic, but you don't have to read it to get this.
1. Arrival

**Hello, again, my adoring fans and not so adoring flamers. I believe I mentioned a parody at the end of '10 ways to annoy' and I don't bluff. And, yes, it has author inserts, because that could never end badly (expect lots more sarcasm). **

**I most certainly do not own Artemis Fowl or any characters you may see in the books. I don't own my friends, either, but I did get their permission to put them in this. Apparently, though, I do own me. But I get me in a lot of trouble, so it's probably a bad thing.**

.not.. hit the window yet again. "This is taking too long" she whined. "We've only been in the plane five minutes" laughed Sh4d0wGirl. The bickering that resulted was ended by Nikola (who does not have a account). "Shut up" she snapped, putting iPod headphones in her ears. This is basically how the short journey to Ireland went, besides the five minutes of peace when I.a.n.a.v. was painting her nails, and on occasions .94 got involved.

By the time the plane landed at Dublin airport, tempers were wearing thin. I.a.n.a.v. gets very angry when her nail-polish chips; everyone else gets angry when she whines. "Why did we even come here" asked Nikola.

"Because my ability to be annoying was questioned." I.a.n.a.v. answered.

"But why am _I_ here?"

"Something about a six foot summet bodyguard."

The group set about collecting their luggage, emo' complained about all the chavs, Sh4d0w acted hyper, and Nikola made several wise cracks then yell at the others for not laughing. It was not the first time I.a.n.a.v.'s sense of humor was insulted.

When the taxi arrived, Sh4d0w asked, "How do you know where Fowl manor is?"

"I don't. But the taxi driver does." I.a.n.a.v. told her.

"Hey, taxi driver, how do you know where Fowl manor is?"

"I don't. But the satnav does." The taxi driver sighed, already fed up of the girls. Truth be told, I.a.n.a.v. was a little insulted that Sh4d0w had annoyed the taxi driver first. Sulking, she pulled a set of lists- her '10 ways to annoy' list- out of her handbag and began to flick through them. Artemis Fowl would not like his new guests.

Four girls hopped out of the taxi, and Butler scrutinized them through the computer screen. They didn't appear to be a threat, but why on earth were they at Fowl manor? One of them began ringing the doorbell repeatedly, and very annoyingly. He leaned over to the microphone and barked "state you names and purpose".

"Come out here and ask us" an angry looking girl with slightly frizzy hair snapped.

A second, somewhat scary looking girl pushed her out of the way. Butler mentally scolded himself for ever thinking a teenage girl could look scary. "I was told there's a six foot tall bodyguard here, and if someone doesn't tell me where he is I'll…"

"State your names and purpose" Butler ordered again.

"We're with the crazy person" a girl- well, he thought it was a girl- in a black hoodie and converse answered. The angry and apparently crazy girl punched her on the arm.

"Butler, who are those girls at the manor gates? And why haven't you removed them?" Butler almost jumped. Almost. He hadn't heard Artemis enter the room. "I am trying to find out who they are, but they won't answer."

"Well, then go outside and make them answer. I want them gone."

"Yes sir" he answered, and started towards the door. He had a very bad feeling about these girls.

**That's the first chapter. Nothing annoying or particularly flame-worthy, yet. But I assure you, there will be plenty more chapters. And remember, humans and vampires alike love reviews, so feel obliged to drop me a line. Oh, and do not hold my friends responsible for anything in this fanfic, it's all my fault.**


	2. Introduction

**Here's chapter 2! I still don't own any of the Artemis Fowl characters, my friends, or anything else of note. I do own me though.**** I just took the time paradox out from the school library, but I'm a slow reader so it'll be a while before I finish it. And now, more annoyingness. **

I.a.n.a.v. was ringing the doorbell again. She was considering scaling the wall when a six foot tall, angry looking skin-head came out. "I came all the way to Ireland for that?" moaned Nikola, "He would be nicer black"

"Nobody forced you to come." I.a.n.a.v. snapped. Butler, by this point, was almost at the gate. "I'm not so sure we should be annoying him." Warned Sh4d0w. "See above" growled I.a.n.a.v.

"Who are you and why are you here?" Snapped butler through the gate.

"Allow me to explain" sighed the 'crazy' girl. "My ability to be annoying was brought into question some time ago, and I am here to demonstrate how utterly infuriating I can be. You and Artemis are just some of my great many test subjects. Do you need me to dub it down?"

Butler glared down at the girl. "And, who exactly are you?"

"The call me a great many things." She answered.

"I call her bitch." Emo cut in.

"You can't say that, this is rated T" said Sh4d0w. Butler looked confused.

"I'll explain that if and when I can be bothered." I.a.n.a.v. stood on her toes and went to pat his cheek, but not only was she still to short, Butler grabbed her wrist before it got anywhere near his face.

"Get off Fowl Manor grounds before I forcibly remove you." He ordered.

"Technically, we're not actually on Fowl manor grounds." The now calmer I.a.n.a.v. answered, searching for something in her handbag. "Ah, here it is" she muttered, pulling out two pieces of paper. "I only came 'cause she said there was gonna be a big bloke with muscles." Nikola assured him.

"Even I need help" I.a.n.a.v.'s tone was defensive.

"You need a different type of help." Emo said.

"Shut up- Fudgems! I forgot my maker pens; all of them. Does anyone have a pen I can borrow?" Each person shook their head in turn. Butler's soldier instincts kicked in and he took the opportunity to assess each girl. None of them looked like a threat, or appeared to be carrying and sort of weapon.

Artemis listened to the entire conversation from the security operations room. He decided as quickly as Butler that they were no serious threat, but for some reason they had singled him, and Butler, out as a means for them to prove their capability to irritate people. One of the girls appeared to be speaking and he turned the speakers up. "I'm sure I've seen you before somewhere."

"I'm sure you haven't." replied Butler.

"Ooh, I remember, you were on the top of the empire state building. But you had hair."

"No, I believe you're thinking of King Kong." Butler said indignantly.

"How could you not know that? Kong definitely got the looks in his family." A second girl, with shortish ginger hair, cut in.

Butler raised a hand as though to hit her, then stopped himself. "Goodbye." He seemed to be emphasizing the words, as though he wasn't sure if they would understand. "Don't you walk away from me! You get back here this instant- fine. Go. See if I care. It's not like I don't have other people to bother. Are you even listening? Go and get Artemis, I want to talk to someone smart!" the first girl was screeching after him. Artemis was shocked by the extreme reaction. She had now thrown herself down on the floor and was sat beside the gates, sulking.

Butler came through the door a few minutes later. "That girl is crazy." He gasped, glaring daggers at the computer screen. Surprisingly, Artemis turned towards the door. "I'm not sure you should go out there." Butler warned him.

"I want those girls away from here, as since you can't seem to remove them, I am going to have to go out side."

**TADAA! Okay, I know the odds of Artemis doing something himself are low, but there won't be much of a plot if all we do is sit on his doorstep and be ignored. Also, I would like to say, ****I'm not quite that over the top, but I have been know to be temperamental. And dumb enough to try and pick a fight with someone like Butler, or I would if I were a violent person. Reviews are wanted. Flames more so, I'm addicted to them. Did I warn you that I'm weird? Either way, send comments!!!**


	3. L and her lists

**Chapter 3 has arrived. I don't own Artemis Fowl; if I did I would have a better computer and a centaur to fix it when it breaks.**** I don't own death note, either. I am still annoying, though. Even my teachers think so- especially my teachers.**

**This is becoming pathetically OOC, but that is the general effect me and my friends tend to have on people.**

Artemis was almost regretting choosing to deal with the girls himself. They had spotted him, and one of them had begun jumping up and down, pointing. Butler had followed him outside, and was eyeing the girl sat by the gates with a caution deserving of a wild animal. "There you are! Open this gate right now so I can teach your monkey some manners!" she ordered, launching a kick at the bars. "You should be grateful I'm not wearing heels."

"I suggest you leave, else I shall have my 'monkey' teach you some manners." He warned.

"Are you threatening me? You little rat! Just wait till I get my hands on you!"

"Sorry" one of the other girls, who had been jumping, cut in. "She gets cranky if she hasn't had enough E-numbers."

"I am not cranky!" she screeched, kicking the fence again.

Artemis watched the girls for a few moments, making a quick analysis. The short one didn't look particularly stable; the ginger was making some failed attempts to calm her, suggesting she was the more sensible; the third girl was looking amused, and the final, a curvy black girl, was eyeing up Butler. In fact, the bodyguard had also noticed, and was looking oddly uncomfortable. "I will say this only once more: leave. Now." The only response Artemis got was a cocked head from the first girl, and then, "you know, the Irish accent isn't nearly as sexy when it's mixed with a posh accent."

Artemis and Butler were caught off guard by the girl's sudden calmness, but the others looked as though it was nothing. "Have you decided against attempting to kill us?" he asked.

"Do you want me to kill you?" she responded, with a sickly sweetness.

"It would be a great inconvenience."

"Well then… don't complain!" she snapped, beginning to pace. The black girl had moved closer to the gate, and Butler was edging further away. "Artemis, if you have any great ideas, now would be the time." Butler actually stepped behind Artemis, as though the boy was the body guard, and this girl was some sort of threat. "Grow a backbone, Butler. We're supposed to be afraid of you, not the other way around." Taunted the first girl, while the other batted her eyelashes in Butler's direction.

Butler shifted nervously, not helping Artemis' mood. "Who are you?" he snarled at the girls, loosing patients quicker than he ever had before. "I'm Nikola. Are you going to let me in now?" chimed the black girl. Artemis turned to the other three, ignoring the question. "And you"

"You don't need to know our names." Smirked the first girl. Artemis cleared his throat impatiently. Butler was backing towards Fowl manor. "Nikola, you are making Butler uncomfortable." He told her.

"I give it six days before she has a saddle on him." Murmured the previously silent girl to the ginger. "I wouldn't put a saddle on him" Nikola cut in, "maybe a dog collar."

Those words were all it took to send Butler scrambling back inside. Artemis stood staring over his shoulder longer than necessary. "Why is grass green? Why is the sky blue? How does a mirror work? Does the light stay on after you close the fridge? How does- Hey!" The girl reached through the fence bars, grabbing at the paper Artemis had just snatch from her.

"This is the most pathetic attempt at writing I have ever seen. The humor is cheap and very badly done, it was clearly written by an imbecile, and this wouldn't annoy anyone. Now, please, go home." He said, handing back two pieces of paper, labeled 'How to Annoy Artemis Fowl' and 'How to Annoy Butler'. "How dare you." She gasped. "Just you wait…" she launched herself at the bars again, reaching for Artemis. "La-" the ginger girl started, but was cut off by the first. "Don't use my name! Do you know how many assassins this guy knows?"

"I don't think he's gonna have you killed." Nikola cut in, trying to catch a glimpse of Butler through the window.

"He might do. If you must call me something, call me… L!"

'L' began bouncing on the balls of her feet, clapping her hands. "Have you ever considered professional help?" Artemis asked, already planning out a study on obsessive attempts at being annoying. "Have you ever considered telling your professional help about the fairies?" she retorted.

"No, and I do not intend to. You are neither as funny nor as annoying as you seem to think you are, and it would be best if you left before you humiliate yourself further." With that last comment, he began a leisurely stroll back to the manor.

"Oh, no he didn't." growled I.a.n.a.v./L.

"I think he did." Answered Sh4d0w, apparently not recognizing the rhetorical question. L pulled a laptop from her hand bag (that thing's like the tardis; there's a hole office in there!) and began to type something. "Why did you call yourself 'L'" asked Nikola.

"Because I am childish, and I do not like to loose." A sly mile slipped onto L's lips as she said this, turning into a grin to rival the Cheshire cat's. "Are you quoting animes again?" emo backed away, like most people do when L quotes things. "It's an almost quote." She answered, turning her laptop to reveal two words written on : 'Fangirls Wanted'.

**I also don't own Doctor who or Alice in wonderland. I was serious about the fangirls, if you want to be one, get an official guest appearance, and bother Artemis, just say so in a review! Even if you don't, review. I like reviews.**

**Expect various other guest appearances from all manor of strange people; I am here for my fans. And flamers, I couldn't possibly leave them out.**


	4. The fangirls attack!

**Yes, I'm still here, and still very annoying. Firstly, special thanks to my fan-girls, **_**Vi4eva**__**, **__**Hoshiko13,**____**Paranoise,**____**Idaaah,**____**FoxGlade **_**and**___**Twilight4everTDI2**_**. And thanks to all my fans and flamers, as always. Oh, and sorry about the absence, I was preoccupied with my original fictions. And then my computer broke.**

**Notably I do not own Artemis Fowl. I own me and my friends own themselves.**

Half a dozen fan-girls were lined up outside the Fowl manor gates, waiting patiently – well, as patiently as fan-girls can manage – for L to finish picking the locks. She ended up throwing them down in a tantrum and making faces at the security camera instead. No response came, so Nikola had to pick the lock instead. "Where did you learn that?" asked L, confuddled.

"There is a sexy guy on the other side of this fence; do you think I wouldn't get through?"

"Good point."

The six fan-girls were off before the others had chance to get through the gate themselves, running excitedly towards the manor. The other four girls followed lazily, waiting for the chaos that was about to unfold. The followed the fan-girls up the path, halting behind them and staring at the six foot ape in the doorway.

L smile broadly at him. "Hi Butler. Ain't you gonna let us in?" she chimed. Sh4d0w tried to dodge around him, but was stopped by a huge arm baring her way. "I suggest you all leave now. I shall not be happy if you don't"

"Hey, Butler talks fancy when he's mad. He's Like L!" squealed Sh4d0w.

"I am not like her. All of you go away!"

"Ah, stick a snickers in it." Said L, pulling a bar of chocolate from her bag and attempting to push it into Butler's mouth. He grabbed her wrist and wrenched it upwards, almost pulling her off her feet. "Put me down this instant." She ordered, aiming a very bad kick at Butler.

The scrawny figure of a teenager appeared behind Butler, watching them coldly. All at once the fan-girls screamed, dashing under the bodyguards arm as he held the struggling L, and mobbed him all at once. Butler was forced to drop L and turn to help Artemis, who was pinned to the floor by the fan-girls. "Are you and Holly gonna get together?" asked _Twilight4everTDI2_, "Are you? Are you? Are you?"

"No." he replied, much more calmly than should have been possible.

L stood proudly behind the fan-girls, watching a fuming Butler pull them one by one off Artemis, only for them to mob him again as he was removing the next one. "Who the hell are they?" he bellowed. An amused smile spread onto L's lips, and she said, "They are my unstoppable army of fan-girls."

"There are six of them." Artemis cut in, dryly.

"Yeah...well... you're hair looks stupid."

"Is that what you usually say when you are lacking a proper come back?" he asked.

"Don't need one. Your hair just looks stupid, that's all." hissed L.

**Remember to review. You know I love them.**


	5. Yes, I really would be that dumb

**Check back to the last chapter for the list of fan-girls. I do not own Artemis and co. They are just way too much fun is all. And special thanks to The one called Demetra, who apparently really does find me annoying. It means a hell of a lot to me.**

An exhausted Butler collapsed into a chair, glaring at the six bound and gagged fan-girls. L and her friends had been left untied, mostly because Butler was still running away whenever Nikola was near him. "You still aren't annoying, you know," Artemis told L coldly. "And you aren't funny, either. I suggest you all return home now, before you humiliate yourselves further."

L idly threw the first thing she saw at him, which happened to be an expensive looking vase, before dodging as Butler tried to tackle her. "I think I'm annoying Butler," she chimed, "at least it's a start."

"I repeat, you are neither annoying nor funny, go home and see a councillor," sighed Artemis. She split into a smile at this comment. "I'm getting to you, aren't I?"

Artemis shook his head, more out of frustration than as an actual answer. L really is that annoying. "This is just one of life's little tests," he assured himself.

"And you, my friend, are failing," L cut in.

"Shouldn't you be crossing that off your list?" he asked dryly. L cocked her head slightly, confused. "I believe telling me I failed a test was one your list," he explained.

Sifting through her bag, L eventually located the lists. "Oh yeah, it is," she mused, "but you aren't having a nervous breakdown, how do I cross that one off?" Artemis exhaled loudly, almost looking bothered. Almost, but of course this is Artemis Fowl we're talking about. "Butler, would you please pass me that newspaper?"

Butler handed it over obediently. Strangely, Artemis rolled it up into a tube, approaching L with some sense of purpose. As she stood looking dumb and confused, he lifted the newspaper tube, a whacked it off her head. "Does that count as a nervous breakdown?" he asked.

"Yes. But if you hit me with that again I'll ram it up your arse," she warned.

"Oh, wait. You need to record it, don't you? Here, let me help you with that," he hissed, whacking her twice more.

On the third swing, L grabbed wrist, twisting it until he dropped the newspaper. Artemis stepped back holding his wrist, just in time to see Butler wrench L off the ground and pin her against the wall by her throat. "If you try that again, you will won't be in a well enough state to regret it."

"Put me down, right now! I'm not scared of you."

"Then you really are as stupid as you look," he snarled.

"You want to see how stupid I really am?" she asked, launching a powerful kick at his groin.


	6. Save me!

**I have nothing to put in the author's note :( Oh well, As always I do not own Artemis Fowl, my f(r)iends or anything else useful. I just own me.**

"Stupid little bitch!" bellowed Butler as L scampered over to where Artemis was stood.

"Save me!" she begged, diving behind him. Artemis turned his head to look at her, pulling her 'cute' face (it worked when she was six... now it's just creepy) "You know, when you look at me like that, I almost feel sorry for you," he said.

"Really?" L looked hopeful.

"Almost," repeated Artemis, stepping aside to reveal Butler now armed with a lamp.

Squealing, L dived out of the way, just dodging Butler as he charged at her. "I wouldn't do that if I were you," she warned shakily, "I know much tougher people than you."

"And who would that be?" he sneered.

"Can't say. But they're tough," she squeaked.

"That's because you don't know anyone tougher than me."

Butler lunged at L again, only just missing her with the lamp. "Somebody do something!" she screamed. She managed to dash behind him and hid behind a chair. If it hadn't been for her whimpers, he might not have known where she was. However, life is rarely so kind, and as it was he threw the chair out of the way and stamped on her back as she tried to stand. "Don't you think we should intervene?" suggested Emo.

"Where did you learn that word?" asked Sh4d0w.

"Internet."

L gasped as Butler forced his foot down harder on her back. Artemis sighed and brought the fairy-communicator up to his face. "Holly, do you think you could please remove some crazy people from my house? Preferably before I have a murder to cover up... No, that won't be a problem... bring a mind-wipe kit, mind, they know about the people... Yes, thank you Holly."

Artemis moved slowly towards Butler and L, who was still pinned to the floor with a pained expression on her face. "Surely, Butler, you are not going to let such an imbecile get the better of you?" Artemis said, attempting to calm him. He lifted his foot, kicked her once in the side, and turned away. "You'd better get her away from me before I lose it completely," he snapped.

L clambered to her feet, clutching her wounded side. "You just wait 'till I get my five inch heels; I'm gonna hurt you so bad," she threatened. Butler turned back to her, his fist clenched. "Or maybe we can just both pretend this didn't happen," she suggested feebly, shrinking back. She dodged to the side as Butler swung at her, not quite fast enough though and he hit her shoulder. She scrambled, as fast as someone fresh from a fight with Butler could, to the other side of the room and hid behind Nikola. Butler faltered when he saw her, stopping where he was. "I told you I know tougher people than you!" L taunted, glaring at him from behind Nikola.


End file.
